God: Share your concerns with me.
Joshua: Okay. So, like, I think people will assume that my blog of talking with you is all AI generated. And frankly, I’d rather people check. Because if they do, then that’ll build trust. Unless I’m accidentally appearing to be like AI, which would suck, because that’s what I’m not trying to do. But I’m not trying to not do that. And like… I just feel stupid. Like… people won’t look at this and go “wow, what a man of God!”—
God: Who said that was the point?
Joshua: …Nobody. I didn’t. I mean… I guess I just did.
God: You did. You acknowledged “people won’t see it a certain way, and that is an issue.”
Joshua: Okay, fine. Yeah. I want people to think well of me. Because that would lead into opportunity—
God: (shaking his head, holds up his hand to stop me) “If people think well of me, I’ll be provided for”. Isn’t that your thought?
Didn’t I lead you out of a place where you were clearly not thought well of, and brought you into immense favor?
Joseph didn’t come out of a place of immense favor, into a place of immense favor. He came out of a place of immense dishonor, INTO A PLACE OF IMMENSE FAVOR.
You think you have to control how people think of you. Do you? That sounds rather controlling. Do you think I am concerned with your ability to make people like you?
Did I ever say a fruit of the spirit was likability? I knew better, and inspired better. I know that fighting for relationship isn’t the same thing as fighting to be liked.
Did I die so people would like me? No. I died so I could build relationship.
I did not plan out “okay, here is how I can make the whole world think I’m the greatest God ever”. Do you think I’m concerned with that? I laugh from my throne at people who think they’ll overthrow me. I care—but I’m not intimidated.
I’ll fill the whole earth with my glory, but not because I’m insecure. I’m very confident in my glory. I am very confident in my omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, and in my value.
That last word hit you. “Value”.
Joshua: …Yeah. It did. …I don’t want to say more.
(I see God leaning forward, smiling, waiting for me to speak. I start to smile, feeling a bit goofy at how stubborn I’m being)
…Okay, fine. (I tear up) I don’t… think I have value. I create value. That’s my value. It is what I create.
And when I look at my dad…
God: (holds up his hand) We’re not talking about your dad. We’re talking about you. Your dad is in heaven. He’s not questioning if he has any value. You are.
Joshua: Fine. I don’t think I have value. I create value. And then someday I’ll die, I’ll get to heaven, and go “wow, I get to be in heaven, a pretty little feather in God’s cap!”
God: (shaking his head) Do you think I make kings and priests as figureheads? No; you’re not a figurehead. My church isn’t a figurehead, without value while I pull the strings behind the scenes. The church is my bride.
Joshua: …I feel frantic, because I know we’re getting to a root AND I DON’T WANNA GO THERE.
God: (nodding) I know. Why don’t you want to go there?
Joshua: (I start to smile) I don’t feel scared of you, I feel scared of… me, I guess.
I don’t think… I don’t think I can handle the truth. So I hide. If I deny the truth, I deny the pain of the truth. And then it can’t get to me, and I can remain an optimist.
God: (laughs for quite a while) You can remain an optimist? Sounds like you’re very optimistic about truth. That’s quite a circle of denial you’ve got there. “I’m a pessimist about the truth, so I’ll deny it, so I can remain an optimist about the truth”.
Joshua: Okay, it doesn’t make sense! That doesn’t mean… well, I guess it does mean it’s wrong. But I don’t want to talk about it. (I see God smiling at me) Okay, I actually do! (I start to laugh) Why do you have to be a safe person?! I hate this. But I love it. I don’t have to be scared… but I want to be.
God: (nods) If you acknowledge who I am, and understand it, fear is only a chosen experience. If you fear, you either struggle to understand who I am, or you struggle to accept it.
Does fearing you don’t have value bring you comfort?
Joshua: …In an odd way, yes. Because I think that nobody can attack me if I’m already attacking me. Like… nobody will be hard on me if I’m already being hard on me. Growing up, I was told that I didn’t have to be disciplined, because I was already so hard on myself. But other people being harder on me feels way worse, so I’d rather shame myself times 10 than let someone else shame me times 1.
God: “Shame”. Now we’re getting honest. “I don’t have value” is truly a shame statement. Fear is tied to shame. “I want to fear I don’t have value” is actually saying “I want to live in shame”.
Do you think that I want you to live in shame?
Joshua: Yes!… but I know that’s not right.
God: Why would I want you to? Acknowledging the truth is good, but the part of you that believes the lie won’t go away with adjacent truth, but with replacing truth. Don’t try to pile on other truth to heal; let me replace the lie with my truth.
Joshua: I think if you know I live in shame, you won’t have to fix me. Like… you died for my shame, but if I feel shame, you won’t have to die! Um… that doesn’t make sense, you already died—
God: (holds up his hand) Stop stopping your thought process. Confession involves acknowledging the lie. When you stop the thought process, you stop confession. Confess, so you can become free.
Joshua: Okay, so… in my mind, the greatest thing I could do is nullify the need for the cross. Because you dying on the cross is the worst thing human beings ever created a need for.
God: (shaking his head) I didn’t die because you forced me into it. I came and died on the cross out of my own decision. I didn’t go “why did people mess up so bad, now I have to die for them!” It was my choice. I’m not codependent. I made the choice, before you even were born to accept it, so you could choose to. Does that sound insecure? Only the most secure being could take such a risk. I decided it was worth it even if you turned me away. Yes, I know what will happen. I also know every person who will reject my decision. And I made it anyway.
Joshua: Isn’t the fact you died for us the biggest blight of shame? Like… I should feel bad. “Look, I died for you! Don’t you feel bad now?! Come and serve me forever?”
(God starts laughing)
Why are you laughing? What I just said was awful! Get mad!!!!
(God looks forward at me, smiling, still clearly humored)
Why won’t you get mad at me?
God: (inquisitive) Do you want me to?
Joshua: I need you to!!!!!!
God: Ah, here we are. What does me getting mad at you solve?
Joshua: It means you’re being honest with me!!!! It means… you’re actually sharing how you feel. If you’re not mad at me, you’re not being honest. You can’t claim to truly know me AND NOT HATE ME. (I feel my shoulders relax, like I finally got something out)
I’m sorry. I’m sorry—
God: Stop. I’m not angry. Thank you for your confession. Now we can talk through it.
Who told you that I hate you? Or that I should?
Joshua: …I mean, you died on the cross because you hated what we did. And if my value is in what I do… and you hate what I do… that means you hate me.
God: (nods) That is very logical, and based on false belief. “I hated what you did”. I didn’t hate what you did. I wanted to cover you. I wanted you to be free.
I did not die because I hated human activity. I died so I could PARTNER WITH YOU IN IT.
“All man’s righteousness is as filthy rags”. “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness”. Joshua—I love people. I want to partner with you. If you try to do life alone, you’ll look back with regret. You already see how broken you were. But that’s not who you are today.
You are righteous. I’m not pretending. You believe me. That means more than you realize.
Your culture values production. I am not mad at you for wanting to produce. It’s not bad to have that motivation. But please produce with me.
Being raised in a culture that values production, while simultaneously being told “God hates everything you have ever done, and even after accepting his death and resurrection still hates what you do, but your mission in life is to do”, is of course, immensely distressing.
I love what you do.
Joshua: I… can I believe that?
God: (nods) I created you for good works. I’m not going to lead you into something that I hate.
It is true you can make a mess of your life. It is also true that I acknowledged that I would bless who blessed Abraham. But wait—how is that possible if nothing people do could be called “blessed”?
I love what you do. I just want to partner with you. I don’t like when you make mistakes. I hate when you hurt yourself, or separate yourself from other people. But I don’t hate you. And I don’t hate what you do.
You have a drive to create. You’ve been told “you shouldn’t place your value in what you do”, however important your work may be. That is not wrong. But I want to sharpen it a bit: “your love isn’t based on your production”. You are loved. Whether you are sick, or whether you are well, you are loved.
You were sick and out of work last week, recovering. Did I go “wow, Josh is so much less lovable this week”? No.
I love what you do. I want to partner with you.
The truth I want you to keep in mind today: “God delights in the work of my hands, so much so that he wants to be a part of it”.