Holy Spirit: You’ve often said “stop”. “Stop thinking that”, “stop feeling that”, “stop wanting that”.
And you wonder why you feel suppressed. Self-control, if it is contrary to peace, to joy, to gentleness, is not my self-control. If a supposed “expression of my fruit” wounds another, it isn’t mine.
My self-control comes with joy. It comes with peace. It is gentle.
Self-control is the power to choose. Your culture often says “you lack self-control” if someone does something unwise. That may be right, or they may lack wisdom, and you are trying to make up for a lack of wisdom with SHAME.
My fruit will only come with my work. You cannot “will yourself” into Holy Spirit power. You have to let me do it. That often involves teaching, counseling, correction.
You have felt you wanted to be “bad”, when the reality is, you wanted to know these four things:
- That love for you was truly unconditional. How can you test that without testing the conditions? However, rather than trying to force my hand to prove it, ask me to show you in ways you UNDERSTAND. You were often taught “God’s love is too great, you can’t understand it”. This is accurate, but misleading: “we love because he first loved us”, because WE HAVE HAD AN EXPERIENCE OF HIS LOVE. My love must be real, which often means an expression that is far simpler and relatable than what I have already done. It is counterintuitive to people, but you see it play out in a family with children: “You don’t love me!” when told “no” to ice cream, despite having a home, having a future, having love. Trying to convince people “God did all this, so you should understand how much he loves you!” is the same as telling a four-year-old “your parents paid for your clothing, your housing, and are planning out a way for you to have a great future, you should understand how much they love you!” It’s generally beyond what they can understand. I’m wise enough not to take offense. Please let me show you, instead of trying to shame yourself into knowing how much I love you. I cannot convince you I love you with shame, because shame involves fear, involves torment, discourages connection.
- That you could ask questions. You can ask me about anything. I won’t get mad. I won’t hide the truth. I won’t tell you everything, but I can tell you why I won’t tell you everything. You tend to withhold questions unless you think they’ll help you behave. I don’t want our relationship to be based on behavior, but to be based in connection. Connection invites questions. Ask me anything. Do you think little children ask “why?” too much? Adults ask me “why?” all the time, except they don’t ask, they complain.
- That you could break from cultural norms. You’d better. “Be in the world, but not of the world”. Yes, connect with people authentically, and be aware of their culture. Going into another culture, and disrespecting it, isn’t what I am referring to. I am referring to living in your own culture and feeling ashamed for anything counter-cultural. Ifyou can’t be a little weird, you’ll utterly fail at what I’ve called you into. Cultural norms are not ethical standards. Your culture generally denies it has one, and touts it as “proper” or “good-mannered” or “common sense”. You are allowed to break from cultural norm. Culturally accepted shame is not acceptable to me. I want you free from culturally accepted shame, AND TO NOT SHOW FAVORITISM BASED ON CULTURAL VALUES.
- How secure you truly are. If you can’t have even one cookie without destroying your body, your body is not very healthy. If you can’t take even one hour to rest, your finances are not very healthy. If you can’t take even one extra day to reply, your relationships are not very healthy. You need to understand that wiggle room is part of living. Your culture is fast-paced. Others are more fast-paced, absolutely—and others less. Your culture values “now” over “good” in most cases. Which can be a strength—rapid building, creating a foundation for something truly grand—or a weakness—shaky foundation under an attempt at grandeur. You imagine a health bar, like you’re playing a videogame, and oh no, it’s at 99 out of 100! Better heal up. You don’t have a health bar, and you aren’t leveling up. You have health, and you are growing, and while it takes steps, you don’t push for 4 months and then leap up a level, YOU GROW A LITTLE EACH DAY. Feeling out your borders is part of security. You think it is bad. The only bad thing is, you are extremely insecure, and I want to heal you of that.
Joshua: I think that’s all correct, but I also… I also used to get called a goody-two shoes. And it felt like people discounted my opinions because of that. My opinion didn’t matter, because I was discountable because I wasn’t… I don’t really know? “Open” enough?
I had friends who labeled me as “lawful good” and then if I wanted to do something they didn’t, or vice-versa, it seemed like it was used as grounds for dismissal. Like I didn’t have a worthwhile opinion, I was just another voice to ignore.
Holy Spirit: Joshua, my response to that is straightforward. If your opinion was truly discounted, why did you stay?
Joshua: …Because I wanted to be accepted.
Holy Spirit: (nods) Joshua, being a goody-two shoes can take many forms. One is to the law; another is to authority; another is to peer pressure. Accusations like that are often saying “please move your flaw into my camp”. Which isn’t actually freeing, it’s just manipulative.
Good friends would say—whether or not they believe they are in the right—“I disagree, but I care about you more than the disagreement. What do you need right now? I need X, but if you need Y, I want to figure out how we can make this work”. Mutual respect is required.
Joshua: What did I do to cause all that?
Holy Spirit: Nothing. You are not responsible for what they said. You are responsible for what you said, but not for their response.
Joshua: Why do I want to be accepted? I’ve always been told “you care too much what people think”. And I don’t know how to turn that off. Other than self-suppression, which just results in explosion, which, is, frankly, like, unhelpful.
…Okay, that wasn’t actually that frank. Self-suppression has destroyed my life more than any sin.
Holy Spirit: Joshua, self-suppression is sin. “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” Your self-suppression was most often an attempt to ignore a good thing to do so that you would avoid the shame being piled on you for doing it.
There is certainly maturity that needs to happen in this process—you can know the right thing to do, and do it poorly. Okay. What’s wrong with that? It’s almost like you need a Wonderful Counselor for some reason.
Joshua: (I laugh) I mean… I recognize now that I didn’t know your voice well when I was younger, and I followed all the wrong rules I was given in an attempt to follow what you wanted.
Holy Spirit: (nods) So basically, you just acknowledged that you didn’t do the right thing, and when you did, you did it poorly. Again: that’s why I’m here. I love you, and I want to be near you, and I want to help you. No strings attached. It’s not “Jesus paid it all, then the Holy Spirit came so we could get back in debt”. No strings attached.
I won’t help you do unhealthy things, but I also won’t tell you “you’ve overdrawn, come back when you’ve got more of Jesus’s blood”. You’re covered.
Joshua: So, back to a different question: why do I want to be accepted?
Holy Spirit: (smiling) You were made to accepted and delighted in by God. You were made to be in union with him. God’s first practice with Adam and Eve was to walk with them.
People are made in the image and likeness of God. So when you see someone, you sense how they reflect him. And you crave that acceptance.
That’s why it stings so much when a human being doesn’t accept you: the image and likeness of God just told you “I don’t accept you”, even though God himself accepts you.
When you feel that sting, ask “what is it that I see in them that I need to know wants a relationship with me?” It may be their strength. It may be their mischief, their vulnerability, their courage. But regardless, if they reject you, you can come to me. Jesus was confident in the Father, which meant he could withstand men’s rejection.
People want a relationship with the entirety of who God is, and you can see the image and likeness in each other. I want people in relationship with each other, but I always want a relationship with you too: I won’t leave you empty. Just as you are commanded to love me completely, I love you completely.